Video Game Character Emerges in Anna Nicole Smith Paternity Search
“I Regret Nothing,” Maintains Shadowy “Postal Dude”
Tucson, AZ An individual described as a “person of interest” in a series of felonies committed within the state of Arizona has suddenly emerged as perhaps the latest holder of a winning DNA lottery ticket following the death of legendary gold digger Anna Nicole Smith.
The individual in question refused to divulge his identity to the press but is believed to be the “Postal Dude” character who has starred in the popular POSTAL video game/movie franchise from Tucson-based developer Running With Scissors for nearly a decade.
Following Nicole Smith’s untimely death last week a parade of players have emerged as potential candidates for the paternity and/or guardianship of Smith’s infant daughter—who now stands to inherit a major fortune. The child was originally credited to Smith’s latest boyfriend, Howard K. Stern, whose name appears on the birth certificate as her father. But a gallery of ex-boyfriends and alleged booty calls dating back several years has suddenly appeared on the scene in an attempt to claim guardianship of Anna Nicole’s heiress offspring.
“Hey,” the Postal Dude supposedly admitted, “maybe it was Anna Nick-hole; maybe it wasn’t. All I know is two things. One, she kept screaming “I can’t feel my legs!” after our first hour together and two, I don’t think she was on that Trimspa trip then, cause it sure looked like there was two of her.”
But while the other potential daddies are seeking out a courtroom solution, the Postal Dude has suggested that an expert be called in. “I trust that Maury Povich guy to figure it out,” the Dude told reporters. “Hell, I’ll add my spunk to this genetic scavenger hunt!”
Vince Desi, Running With Scissors CEO, added “The Postal Dude was never known for shooting blanks, so I guess anything is possible.”
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