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no this is not an april fools joke

Postby MonteLDS on Thu Apr 01, 2004 11:11 pm

So today i got in a car accident

www.monteit.com/car1.jpg
www.monteit.com/car2.jpg
www.monteit.com/car3.jpg

my fualt even :(

then jennifer broke up with me.

and ever since then, the day has gotten better! I fixed this printer, then a friend took me out to FRYs and we had something to eat. I am going still see Jennifer in the morning. and give her this, if she will except

www.monteit.com/ring.jpg
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Postby gigabyte on Thu Apr 01, 2004 11:44 pm

whoa, harsh!

i feel bad for you :( hope things work out with you and jennifer
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Postby VEFF on Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:08 am

Sorry to hear about the accident. :( At least you weren't hurt!

I am also sorry about Jenn and you breaking up.
You are still giving her the ring even though you're breaking up?
Is it supposed to be an engagement ring?

Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck.
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Postby MonteLDS on Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:11 am

VEFF wrote:You are still giving her the ring even though you're breaking up?
Is it supposed to be an engagement ring?


I am offering it to her. I am going pop the Question. i have nothing to lose. she lives 85 miles away. too far away to be friends.
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Postby Ian on Fri Apr 02, 2004 12:20 am

No, not the Miata! It doesn't look that bad though. You'll be out cruzin' for chicks again in no time.

I wish you the best of luck with Jennifer. Whatever happens though, you need to move on. While it might seem like she's "the one" there are a lot of other girls out there.
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Postby JamieW on Fri Apr 02, 2004 1:28 am

DRAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAA!

It is like watching "As the Mormons Turn." Let me get this straight...you have a semi-volatile long-distance relationship which seems to be constantly on the verge of collapse. You have a horribly draaaaaamaaaaaaaaatic day in which you break your own stuff, that relationship finally goes south, and your response to this is to...ask her to marry you? You can't be over 18, and I haven't gathered you really know what you want to do with your life or relationships. This is not the solution to breaking up. Ok, let me give you an example. Asking her to marry you after all this is like finding the car you hit and deciding to hit it even harder hoping that will actually fix the dents. Pull your head out of cupid's ass and move on.
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Postby JamieW on Fri Apr 02, 2004 1:32 am

Oh, and other things. If you are asking the question because you "have nothing to lose," you are not asking for the right reasons. You can't build a marriage on a foundation of "it couldn't be worse." And some things you do have to lose:

1. Integrity
2. Self-respect
3. Ability to say "I have rational reactions"
4. Any possibility of any form of relationship with her in the future
5. Friends which do not look at you with pity

I mean this is not the right answer. I would even go so far as to say it is actually the wrong answer.

But hey, if she says "yes" there is little one can look forward to more than a fiance who threatened to break up just to get the ring. That relationship won't be explosive and unstable at all. No sir, not that one.
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Postby cfitz on Fri Apr 02, 2004 2:01 am

Blunt, but true. And I think blunt is what MonteLDS needs. For your own sake and hers, MonteLDS, walk away with some dignity and take some time off before looking for your next girlfriend.

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Postby TheWizard on Fri Apr 02, 2004 5:05 am

A car accident is never a laughing matter, although Monte, IIRC, isn't this the second accident you have been in during the last 6 months? Definitely within the last year. Now, obviously you've had a lot of things on your mind recently, but please don't let them lead to poor driving! Seriously, two accidents within a relatively short time span; your insurance must be going up, up, up!
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Postby treemana on Sun Apr 04, 2004 5:47 am

As Ian said, the car damage doesn't look too bad. As TheWizard said, please be careful!

Monte, I've read most of your posts and watched the videos. You seem like a very nice young man. I'm sure, someday, when you meet the right person, she'll be lucky to have you.

I'm glad you got that printer fixed.
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Postby MonteLDS on Sun Apr 04, 2004 2:25 pm

TheWizard wrote:A car accident is never a laughing matter, although Monte, IIRC, isn't this the second accident you have been in during the last 6 months? Definitely within the last year. Now, obviously you've had a lot of things on your mind recently, but please don't let them lead to poor driving! Seriously, two accidents within a relatively short time span; your insurance must be going up, up, up!


the accident was by the just a poor judgment on if I could make it combind with traffic stopping. it was a slow accident. a whole 6 mph at the most.

Things with Jennifer and I are mixed up right now. She said as we were out yesterday that she feels unsure if she had made the right choice or if prehaps that she is just feeling bad for having to put me threw such pain... So she is trying to figure things out. I am giving her, her space. While I have faith and look forward to work more with her on our relationship. As I countine to love her unconditionaly. As any one should do when they truly love someone.

if you say I am foolish, I am not going listen to you. You cannot change how I feel about this girl. So please if your comments are to tell me of how in your eyes you see me to be foolish, hold fingers and read another post.
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Postby wicked1 on Sun Apr 04, 2004 5:31 pm

I went through this same drama and am still anguished by it. I dated a girl named Lindsey for about 2 yrs. Got her pregnant (had 1 daughter already) Then she wanted to start seeing other people too.I dealt with that for about 6 months.It was tearing me up though.I offered to marry her and my parents offered us one of their rental properties as a wedding gift.She wanted space to think about.More mental anguish.Baby was born. Things started looking better. Then out of the blue she decided to put both kids up for adoption.This blew my mind.Then she decided she wanted to be friends but not together.She ended up being VERY promiscuios(sp?) and hooked up with another girl and started working at a high class strip club.I ended up with more emotional damage than I know what to do with. I am bipolar to begin with and on 7 medications.This happening was the straw that broke the camels back.I left work on medical leave pending intense inpatient treatment for severe depression. That was last April. I have not worked since other than a few weeks last month. I still have a deep longing to be with her so I know what you feel Monte. My way of dealing has been block her numbers email etc. Havent spoken or seen her at all or my daughter since last April. At the moment I have absolutely no desire at all to date women. I dont think I can take another bad outcome relationship and live through it.I am not going to tell you what to do because I dont know whats right for you but it sure sounds similar to what happened to me so I thought I would share my experience.
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Postby cfitz on Sun Apr 04, 2004 7:04 pm

MonteLDS wrote:if you say I am foolish, I am not going listen to you. You cannot change how I feel about this girl. So please if your comments are to tell me of how in your eyes you see me to be foolish, hold fingers and read another post.

Fine. Don't listen. But you are foolish. And as long as you are going to post the details of your personal life, I (and others) will feel free to respond accordingly if the mood strikes. Do you think you get to lay down the law that only simpering, uncritical, warm & fuzzy supportive replies to your pathetic love-life details are allowed? Are we all supposed to cheer you on as you obliviously drive headlong into the impending disaster that many of us can clearly see? Not gonna' happen...

Personally, I don't really care about your love life. If you and Jennifer want to play games and mess up your lives, feel free. Your losses, not mine. What I am more concerned about is the final step in your illogical chain of "reasoning": having a child together. Every time something goes wrong with this messed up relationship, you decide that the way to "fix" it is to push it forward a notch. Jen has no interest, so bombard her with flowers and gifts. Surely that will fix things. Nope? Then give her a promise ring. Surely that will fix things. Nope? Then give her an engagement ring. Surely that will fix things. Nope? Then go ahead with the wedding. Surely that will fix things. Nope? Then have a child together. Surely that will fix things... You know the answer to that one - it is the same as all the others. Screw up your own life all you want, I just don't want to see you getting innocent children involved.

If you didn't want attention, you wouldn't post. But obviously you want attention, so fine - you get it. And you have no right to insist on only positive attention. If you don't like the feedback you are getting, then stop posting the private details of your personal relationships to the entire world. Better yet, stop posting your love-life period, whether or not you like the feedback. It doesn't belong all over the Internet. Tell it to your friends or a psychiatrist instead. While you are at the psychiatrist, start trying to figure out why you feel the need for public exhibitionism and self flagellation. You've got issues, MonteLDS, and they aren't going to be solved by posting on CDRLabs.

Harshly but sincerely (in the slim hopes of waking you up),

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Postby dodecahedron on Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:21 pm

i say, go back to Shannon. :D
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Postby dodecahedron on Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:24 pm

cfitz wrote:self flagellation

dang! had to look that one up! :o
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Postby TheWizard on Sun Apr 04, 2004 8:49 pm

Now THAT was a good post, cfitz!

At some point in our lives, have we all liked someone a lot only to find out that he/she didn't feel quite the same way about us? Sure! Have we persevered trying to gain that person's affection no matter what anybody else said? Sure! What you are going through, Monte, is not new. Your feelings for Jen are genuine, no doubt about that. All we are trying to say is keep your options open. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

I'm reminded of what my father once told me, there are many 'right' girls out there. Meaning there are many girls that I could spend the rest of my life with and live happily ever after. I was always a firm believer in there being one 'right' girl for me. But when my dad told me this, I pondered it deeply. And I concluded that he was correct. The more girls I got to know, the more I came around to what my dad told me.
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Postby cfitz on Sun Apr 04, 2004 10:33 pm

TheWizard wrote:I'm reminded of what my father once told me, there are many 'right' girls out there. Meaning there are many girls that I could spend the rest of my life with and live happily ever after. I was always a firm believer in there being one 'right' girl for me. But when my dad told me this, I pondered it deeply. And I concluded that he was correct. The more girls I got to know, the more I came around to what my dad told me.

Amen to that!

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Postby JamieW on Sun Apr 04, 2004 11:28 pm

Like Kane in Kung Fu, my work here is done. Now I shall disappear into the horizon seeking another forum.

=*)
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Postby cfitz on Mon Apr 05, 2004 1:16 am

By the way, MonteLDS, have you considered how manipulative you are? Consider the following:

MonteLDS wrote:Things with Jennifer and I are mixed up right now. She said as we were out yesterday that she feels unsure if she had made the right choice or if prehaps that she is just feeling bad for having to put me threw such pain... So she is trying to figure things out. I am giving her, her space.

One or two days after she breaks up with you, you jump back in, go to see her and propose marriage. This is giving her space?!? Moreover, you apparently go about doing this by whining and crying to demonstrate how much "pain" she has put you through. That's good. Make her feel bad for "hurting you". Guilt her into marrying you. That's an excellent plan. Guilt is always a truly strong foundation for a long and happy relationship. :roll:

In addition, Jen didn't cause you this pain. You caused it yourself. If on any of the countless occasions in the past that Jen has told you "no" you had taken it like a man and walked away, accepting that the mutual attraction wasn't there and that you just weren't meant to be a couple, then you wouldn't be in all this "pain" now. Don't blame Jen, this mess is your own making. Take a little responsibility for your actions.

MonteLDS wrote:While I have faith and look forward to work more with her on our relationship.

Work with her? Your relationship? Nothing you have posted yet shows any mutual work on this so-called "relationship". It has all been about you trying to push her into loving you. And at this point that has gone far beyond simply putting your best foot forward and into the creepy realm of you manipulating her emotions to make her embrace you. Furthermore, unless by "relationship" you mean following her around like a lonely puppy, then you don't have a relationship. At least not an adult relationship. I guess what you really meant to say was that you look forward to desparately hanging on to her and playing her emotions in an attempt to pressure her into "loving" you. :roll:

MonteLDS wrote:As I countine to love her unconditionaly. As any one should do when they truly love someone.

How big of you. :roll: Translation: As you continue to fixate on her and come ever closer to crossing the line into stalking. Unconditional love is not the same thing as obsession. And if you truly loved her and she doesn't return the feeling, you would let her go because of your love. Why would you want to make someone you profess to "truly love" miserable by pursuing her when she so clearly does not wish to be pursued? Only a selfish person interested in his own feelings would behave that way.

Jennifer has showed and told you countless times that she really doesn't want to be with you. But you can't or won't see that. I suggest you go back and take a look at the video you shot of the two of you at the amusement park. To a disinterested observer, one glance at that video makes it perfectly clear that she is uncomfortable around you. Frankly, it appears that she is a little embarrassed to be with you. Maybe now that a little time has passed you can look at that video and see the same.

Wake up and smell the coffee, MonteLDS. You don't really love Jen, she certainly doesn't love you, and you aren't the pure and innocent nice guy who has been hurt by love that you think you are. You are manipulative, selfish, immature, and obsessive. Walk away from Jen and this unhealthy "relationship" before anyone really gets hurt, take some time off from women altogether, and get some professional help.

If you really stop, do some honest introspection, and take action to correct your faults, then maybe you really will become the good guy you like to portray yourself as. And then you will be able to find a woman who you truly love and who truly loves you. You are young, and have plenty of time. Use it to your advantage rather than wasting it on neurotic exercises in prolonged misery and destruction.

Even harsher yet but still meant in a constructive way,

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Postby cfitz on Mon Apr 05, 2004 1:30 am

P.S. Maybe you should read this book:

http://www.johndmoore.net/ConfusingLove.html

I haven't read it, but based on the blurbs it sounds like it applies to you very well.

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Postby UALOneKPlus on Mon Apr 05, 2004 3:02 am

Wow, quite a bit harsh but on the mark!

MonteLDS - trust the veterans - forget Jen. Yes you love her and all that, but it will go away the moment you meet another girl you really like. I know, believe me.

I've seen a friend get destroyed due to an unhealthy obsession of a girl. He dated this girl who he totally fell in love with. She treated him like trash, destroyed his car in an accident, got pregnant with another guy. Even after all that, he was still willing to take her back!!!

I wanted to smack my friend up the back of the head to straighten him out, but it was out of my hands. It was like watching a train derailment in slow motion. My friend now has been unemployed multiple times. It's sad how his love life took over his entire life.

I've been through a few unsatisfactory relationships, but I always walked away vowing to finish the relationship and start over. It was exactly the right thing to do. I never let a girl take over my life (except my daughter :) ). My wife and I are great friends and see things eye to eye. I wouldn't have it any other way.

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Postby wicked1 on Mon Apr 05, 2004 4:05 am

DAMN cfitz dont hold anything back at all :o But I think youre right in hoping this will sway this the right way.
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Postby JamieW on Mon Apr 05, 2004 12:11 pm

Wicked,

I think there is no real hope of swaying him the right way. There are times, though, when someone speaks harsh truth simply because the truth needs to be said so we don't get into the habit of accepting BS. Sometimes it needs to be said because while everyone "feels" there is something wrong, it helps if one person can pointedly say what it is so that it solidifies the reasoning instead of leaving it murky.

Monte suffers from a few things here. Some of which are merely opinion which I can substantiate with inference from his postings, others which are more concrete. He is certainly young and inexperienced. The reason youth can be so detrimental is that they lack experience to even recognize that there are things they do not know. It must have been about 8-10 years ago that I figured this out and my own way of approaching problems changed dramatically. It was probably the second most valuable lesson I learned.

He may learn one day, but he isn't listening to the accumulated experience of many people. And this was the most valuable lesson I ever learned. Old people know everything. They've been through all the things we've been through and survived. I currently value my relationship with my parents more than ever. Regardless of how difficult half of my parents are to get along with (Ian can attest to how abrasive but with good intentions my mother can be), I respect the wisdom they have accumulated through the years. It may not be in specifically what the answer is, but also how to approach problems and come up with solutions.

And from respecting my parents wisdom, I learned to respect the wisdom of those with experiences. While I may have similar or greater experience than someone, their experience is often sufficiently different that I can learn from how they dealt with it. And then of course there is the experience of those who are actually authorities on a subject. I would not dream of buying a DVD or CD computer device without asking Ian first. And I will listen to him every time. I also discuss my relationship with him when there are issues. While he and I have different approaches, it helps me to hear his thoughts on it so that I may refine my own.

The sooner Monte learns these lessons the sooner his problems will become resolvable. But the real problem he has right now is that he has buried his head in the sand. He doesn't want to even hear it so that he can ignore it. He wants to proceed in blissful ignorance with the assumption that he has plotted the right course without looking at the compass or the map. He doesn't even want to know there is a compass or a map around.

So when someone has their head thrust so firmly in the sand, is there any ever hope that they will dig themselves out? No, not really. But it is better to say it anyway so that you know he didn't plot the wrong course because you didn't hand him the map and compass. And in doing so you hope that someone who heard you say it can learn from it as well. But in the end, you will almost never know that what you said had any effect on anyone's life. But it wasn't for lack of trying on your part and that can help one sleep better at night.
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Postby UALOneKPlus on Mon Apr 05, 2004 12:43 pm

Danm, this is gold... Perhaps you should run for govornator of California after Ahnold retires ;)

JamieW wrote:Wicked,

I think there is no real hope of swaying him the right way. There are times, though, when someone speaks harsh truth simply because the truth needs to be said so we don't get into the habit of accepting BS. Sometimes it needs to be said because while everyone "feels" there is something wrong, it helps if one person can pointedly say what it is so that it solidifies the reasoning instead of leaving it murky.

Monte suffers from a few things here. Some of which are merely opinion which I can substantiate with inference from his postings, others which are more concrete. He is certainly young and inexperienced. The reason youth can be so detrimental is that they lack experience to even recognize that there are things they do not know. It must have been about 8-10 years ago that I figured this out and my own way of approaching problems changed dramatically. It was probably the second most valuable lesson I learned.

He may learn one day, but he isn't listening to the accumulated experience of many people. And this was the most valuable lesson I ever learned. Old people know everything. They've been through all the things we've been through and survived. I currently value my relationship with my parents more than ever. Regardless of how difficult half of my parents are to get along with (Ian can attest to how abrasive but with good intentions my mother can be), I respect the wisdom they have accumulated through the years. It may not be in specifically what the answer is, but also how to approach problems and come up with solutions.

And from respecting my parents wisdom, I learned to respect the wisdom of those with experiences. While I may have similar or greater experience than someone, their experience is often sufficiently different that I can learn from how they dealth with it. And then of course there is the experience of those who are actually authorities on a subject. I would not dream of buying a DVD or CD computer device without asking Ian first. And I will listen to him every time. I also discuss my relationship with him when there are issues. While he and I have different approaches, it helps me to hear his thoughts on it so that I may refine my own.

The sooner Monte learns these lessons the sooner his problems will become resolvable. But the real problem he has right now is that he has buried his head in the sand. He doesn't want to even hear it so that he can ignore it. He wants to proceed in blissful ignorance with the assumption that he has plotted the right course without looking at the compass or the map. He doesn't even want to know there is a compass or a map around.

So when someone has their head thrust so firmly in the sand, is there any ever hope that they will dig themselves out? No, not really. But it is better to say it anyway so that you know he didn't plot the wrong course because you didn't hand him the map and compass. And in doing so you hope that someone who heard you say it can learn from it as well. But in the end, you will almost never know that what you said had any effect on anyone's life. But it wasn't for lack of trying on your part and that can help one sleep better at night.
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Postby LoneWolf on Mon Apr 05, 2004 12:51 pm

I had a 4-5 year relationship going with someone, and it ended on a really poor emotional note. It took me quite some time to get over it (several years, truth be told) as when you know someone that long, the ties don't unbind that easily. You remember the day-to-day things that make it hard.

I will say though that my growth came from evaluating that relationship and realizing why it wasn't the right one for me. A lot was lacking in her ability to communicate to me emotionally, and it became a life lesson in what I'm willing to go without in a relationship, and what I won't compromise on because without it, a relationship just won't work. Perhaps it is time to do an evaluation of what is necessary to maintain a good relationship (communication, ability to listen, empathy, work ethic, and a constructive approach to resolving differences, in addition to love) and figure out whether you have it...and if you don't, whether it is possible to achieve it by working together, or if it simply can't be done. Especially when there is a physical distance that makes it more difficult.

I'm getting married in June to as close as there will be to a perfect match for me on this earth. Am I ever glad I got over my past, and got on with life. What seemed perfect at one time to me cannot compare to the relationship I am blessed with now.
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